The Yes Yes Geraldine at rest in Urquhart Bay.
Fresh out of bed at 5 am the crew gathered on the poop for a briefing from the skipper.
"Look chaps, you`re all crap"
"Thanks Skip".Drummer Dave had clearly misheard.
"Now to-days a big day. We head for Fort Augustus, home of ..."
"Davy Crocket?".
The Skipper gave MP Mike a withering stare.
"...the five Locks....five big, awkward, complex, dangerous, physically challenging sea-locks"
Lord Haves went an even deeper shade of yellow.
"We`re going to have to pull"
"But I`m already spoken for Skip"
Drummer Dave had not been paying attention.
"No you landlubber....pull the boat, with ropes, throught the lock system....so I want it done professional and seamen -like"
At that point Ships Magnate Ash emerged secretively from below, having sneaked a shower from underneath the ships washbasin.
"Ah;It`s Gollum" screamed Drummer Dave. He ran for the camera, and Gollum ran for clothing.
Urquhart Castle (the pile of bricks) viewed from the boat.
MP Mike (left) and Lord Haves(dark glasses)share a touchy-feely moment.
The YES YES GERALDINE headed tentatively out of the harbour, and then increased speed following a bearing of 220 degrees. As she passed the headland and just off Urquart Castle,strange yet regular semi-circular markings could be seen behind the boat in the water, back towards the berthing.They were close to the point where the crew had spotted a strange disturbance the previous day, when photographing from the hillside above Urquhart Bay.
"What is it Skip ?" asked Lord Haves.
"Nothing to worry about, it`s probably not natural" replied the Skipper.
"Could it be the monster?", suggested Ash.
Drummer Dave got his brushes out and started to paint furiously.
"It seems to be moving from left to right" suggested Lord Haves.
"Could be New Labour" said MP Mike.
And then, within moments, it was gone, the only trace remaining being a few air bubbles and an unpleasant smell.Fortunately, Drummer Dave recorded what he thought he saw in the magnificent oil work which is presented below. A few grainy photographs of the scene have also been added for scientific scrutiny and general public perusal.
The semi-circular shapes spotted behind the boat (and soon to disappear below water)
What is that in the loch, in the middle foreground, just off the tiny wooded headland. Has Nessy come up for air ?
Suspicious ripples in the Loch, on an otherwise still and calm waters. It`s him !
Drummer Dave`s oil, capturing the view he got when swimming in the Loch
The kind people at MACMILLAN CANCER SUPPORT had provided the crew with green wigs and tee-shirts, and so thus adorned they and the YES YES GERALDINE sailed boldly into Fort Augustus, at the south-west end of Loch Ness. It was lunch time, and word had got around that a bunch of green men with a rather large boat, were going to tackle the locks. Now I don`t know if you`ve ever had the pleasure of a visit to this tiny town,but as coachloads of tourists daily find to their cost, the only thing to do there is to sit by the locks and hope for the best. Generally, a few rowing boats and canoes, crewed by earnest types in scouting gear, or a caravan of a boat with a couple from Essex are as good as it gets.But to-day was to be more special than this. Yes to-day, egged on by the team of lock-keepers determined to make the most of the opportunity, the centre of attraction was to be the crew of the YES YES GERALDINE.
Lord Haves and Magnate Ash discuss why they aren`t attracting donors
The Fort Augustus Five "Prepare for humiliation, all ye who enter here"
"Here`s you, looking at me, looking at you babe"
"Hold the rope, hold the rope".
The Skipper was barking at MP Mike, as he struggled at the stern to avoid being flipped into the water.
"Pull when I say"
"And watch those cleats, I don`t want to lose you now".
"Don`t be so cheeky" shouted a cyclist.
The crowd were warming.
"Ooh, e`s just like Ben Hur", whispered an appreciative young woman. And indeed, to the crew who were manning the ropes all he was lacking was a whip.
"Keep the stern in, don`t let her go" shouted the Skip.
"Keep the stern in, don`t let her go" repeated Drummer Dave, who had by now decided to ingratiate himself with his leader.
"Give us yer money, cockles and muscles" sang Lord Haves, as he shook his collecting bucket in the face of bemused Japanese trippers.
"Ve do not giv to ze poor or to ze beg boys", protested a misguided Austrian biker.
At the bow of the boat and pulling with all his might was Ash, the physically challenged shipping magnate.
"They`ve got bloody Charles Atlas at the front" said one of the Lock Keepers
"Mush, Mush" shouted the drunks on a smaller boat, entering further into the spirit.
"Are you English", asked a granny from Largs.
"Cos ye pinched my sheep in the 17th century"
"Heh dude, wot is it with the green hair man?" He must have been Dutch.
"I`ve smoked grass , but I`ve never grown it on my head man"
"One more gate and we`re done", the Skipper intoned, now sitting confidently with his feet ajar the wheel.
"One more gate and we`re done", repeated his new best friend.
"Will yer nae, come back agin" The crowd were now singing their encouragement.
"Whose been eating all the pies?" Lord Haves and Drummer Dave looked at each other.
At last, the final lock was breached, and the job done.
"Heh boys, would yer like te do that again now ?"
And indeed, the Lock Team had enjoyed the event so much, that they would happily have offered assisted passage for a repeat performance, for the edification and amusement of the coach parties now gathered.
"No thanks" said the Skipper.
"Got to get these wimps to their berth for the night. Need to attend to their make-up".
Drummer Dave gets that sinking feeling
Skipper Nick and Lord Haves adorned in their Macmillan Tee Shirts, spot that the`re not the only `Big Fish` in Fort Augustus.
So with great relief, the boat sailed-its crew undamaged, to a berthing above Fort Augustus.Wounded pride was assuaged by the generosity of donors at the locks, and the many fine stories freely told of the outstanding work of Macmillan Nurses. Clearly, so many people even here in Fort Augustus were touched by their support, as were we by the so many well-wishers who cheered us on .
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