The YES YES GERALDINE In her deep water berthing at Laggan Locks
Now it should be made clear to those with a romantic view of the water, that any `on-shore facility`, such as a toilet, shower, electric or water hitch-up takes on a significant importance to the crew,after time spent on the waves. And none so more than the toilet, if only for the aroma benefit it offers to all those otherwise cornered on the boat. So you can imagine the discomforture this particular morning, as Skipper Nick returned unsatisfied to the vessel.
"He wouldn`t let me on the `John`. I can hardly believe it. Said I owed him for the electric"
Sure enough in the near distance and wandering towards the boat was a middle-aged man in a blue uniform, with a blue engine-drivers peaked cap and a notebook.
"It`s Postman Pat" said Drummer Dave.
"More like Captain Mannering", replied the Skip.
"We`ve always paid for the electric we`ve hooked to on-shore I mean, I wouldn`t mind if it was clearly stated, but it aint; plus more to to the point, I`ve got terrible wind"
"Morning", said Lord Haves cheerfully to the blue-uniformed man. There was no reply.He was on a mission and wouldn`t be distracted. He whipped out a receipt book and proceeded to scribble in it. He then checked a reading on the shore meter, and wrote down some more detail. Finally , after a few minutes of further analysis and cogitation, he tore of the receipt and handed it to Nick.
"That`ll be £2.50" he said triumphantly.
Nick slapped the money in the man`s hand.
"That`ll allow you in the shower block now" he said, and with that he turned to go,and meandered back to his lockmasters hut,job done.And of course, it was fair enough. The YES YES GERALDINE had been `nicked`. The Skipper made a dash for the latrines.
"£2.50. £2 bloody 50 for a crap " he shouted, as he disappeared inside. It was some time before he was to emerge.
"Thought I`d make sure I got my my money`s worth" he said.
By lunch-time we`d reached Fort Augustus, as we began our journey back at full-steam to Inverness. All the way along our route we`d been told that there was a wedding boat on its way, and we`d have to wait when it came to the infamous lock passage.
"Great opportunity" said Lord Haves, a former marketing spiv with 3M.
"We sneak in just ahead of the Wedding Boat,and we`ll have the tourists eating out of our hands, donating into our collecting buckets."
Just then Drummer Dave errupted.
"Eagles at two O`clock chaps, Eagles at two O`clock". Now there was a more sensitive side to the punk musician than he would sometimes like to admit to, and the excitement of seeing his first Golden Eagles in the wild was too much to contain.
"OK, so I`m a twitcher. Want to make something of it?" He waved his drumstick toward the crew.Ships Magnate Ash who had a similar but even more innacurate ornithological leaning was also keen to impress.
"And what`s that behind them, looks like a couple of Bustards"
"Please. Keep your prejudices to yourself", said Lord Haves, who`d assumed Ash was referring to the bride and her mother on the fast-approaching wedding boat.
"No no....over there above the hill"
"Ooh bless me Vicar, what a pair of beauties, what a pair of beau....ties". Drummer Dave was struggling to contain his excitement, as two Ospreys glided effortlessly upwards on the thermals, half a mile or so away.
"Quick Skip, let`s get the boat round for a closer look"
To say that there was little chance of that was an understatement, and anyway, the need to position the YES YES GERALDINE ahead of the speeding marital tug-boat was playing heavily on the Skippers mind.
"Through yers comes then, my laddies, and quick as yer can", said the friendly lock man on the first of the five gates in the town.
The Wedding Boat
The Bridesmaids (in maroon) standing shore-side outside The Bothy
With green wigs and tee shirts in place, and the MACMILLAN CANCER SUPPORT bunting fluttering proudly in the light wind, the vessels descent of the Fort Augustus lock staircase brought an enthusiastic and passionate response from the tourists and locals who`d once more turned out in their hundreds.
"Hey Sonnie`s, can`t you`s bugger off out the way, we`s here te see the Wedding Boot", said a rather large man in an impressive kilt.
"Get oot the watta, ye Sassenach nancies", said his friend.
"Why are the bridesmaids wearing green wigs daddy?", asked a young boy of his father.
"It seems to be going pretty well so far chaps", said Lord Haves, instigator of the poaching scheme and ever the optimist.
"Never listen to a marketing man", hissed Drummer Dave, now pulling on the rope and dragging the boat through lock 3, whilst being hit on the leg by a grandmother with a walking stick.
"Keep her in astern", shouted Skipper Nick, mind focussed on the real job in hand.
"Sod the stern", thought Magnate Ash.
"Give me yor money or I`ll set that lot on you". Lord Haves gets serious.
"Hello Sailor". Skipper Nick gets frisky with a rope (watch the stern Nick, watch the stern !)
"All in a good cause, though" said Lord Haves to a scottish beard, standing with the kilted ones and clearly oblivious to his personal safety.He rattled his bucket, and the man tossed in a coin. Then, one by one, so did all the other kilts.
"Och, this is better fun than the wee weddin boot anyhows", said the beard.
The queue in the chip shop, who`d been studying the scene, whipped up a tenner, and a man from Toronto slipped in a £20 note.The generosity and good humour of the watching crowd, was both touching and humbling.
"You see", said Lord Haves, as the boat tied up at the temporary berth below the lochs to take on provisions, "I told you we should get in just ahead of the wedding boat"
Drummer Dave scowled.
"Perhaps I`ll go and buy some cheese crackers", said Lord Haves.
"Perhaps you should", said Skipper Nick.
WEDDING NOTE
True to form the crew of four men aboard took relatively little interest in the wedding party itself, apart from the odd curious glance at the bridesmaids, two of whom were having a nervous pre-nuptial fag outside The Bothy Pub.But with awareness of the need to satisfy the undoubted demands of the feminine readership, it can be stated with some certainty that the bride was wearing a white,La Marouche designer yoke-throated dress,with a Sans-Doux cream cape and petite Angus bouquet.The bridesmaids were adorned in maroon one-piece,chest-cut gowns,the very hallmark of the young Marco Gourmais at La Marouche.
The Bride and her mother, about to be boarded.
Her spouse was attired in his clans traditional tartan,proudly displaying kilt, sporran and (itchy) socks.He looked more than a match for any wee lowlander, so we kept our distance.The wedding boat had lots of pretty flags,there was much breathless bag-piping, and it all looked rather lovely.
Later that day, the YES YES GERALDINE set off across the south-west corner of Loch Ness, heading once more toward Urquhart Bay, for an overnight berth.Reflecting on the days adventures`s, the crew were unanimous in their praise of `Derek The Lock Keeper`, guardian of the system at Cullochy Locks. Now once in a while you meet someone for just a brief moment, and know in an instant that they`re just really good company. Derek was such a man.
`Derek The Lock Keeper` at Cullochy Locks
"Come on boys" he`d said as we tentatively sidled up in our precious vessel, "imagine she`s a fine woman".
Day in, day out, Derek has the job of guiding gringo`s in boats (like ourselves) through his lock without damage to them,their boats, the lock gates or the canal walls.He also has to communicate with hundreds of illiterate mariners throughout the season and still retain a sunny disposition. No mean feat.
"Careful Derek", Lord Haves had said, pointing to a white van approaching shore-side.
"It`s management"
"Who`s them" replied Derek,"we don`t do management in these parts"
"Ah come on Derek, I bet you`ve been on a course about spreadsheets", said Magnate Ash.
"What`s all that ?", said Derek, genuinely bemused.
"Computers...you know, to help you keep your lists and so on"
"Oh no, I don`t think that`ll be so. I use a biro and notepad. Always `ave, always will. They can do what they`s wants, that they can, but I`ll be long gone before I touch a computer, so I shall boys"
"Long hours Derek?" inquired Skipper Nick.
"Long as you make `em", replied Derek.
"Bet you get a rush here in the summer" said Drummer Dave.
"Aboot once every seven years", said Derek."They`re always busy but we doo`nt rush"
"Bet you`re a man for the rules, heh Derek", said Lord Haves smiling, "always following orders"
"Well boys, as they say, there`s many a slip twixt cup and lip"
If only the rest of us could think that way.Derek proved to be a font of information, and the kindliest of all the navigation workers we met.It would have been great to have spent more time in his company. He was a witty and courteous man, and an excellent representative of his profession. Derek The Lock Keeper, we salute you sir!
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