"Bloody Environment Bill", he muttered, as he climbed into the 4x4 People Carrier Taxi sent from Inverness to retrieve him.Within 4 hours he would be back in London, courtesy of the Tory Business Jet stationed at Inverness Airport, and engrossed in the finer points of carbon emission.
MP Mike shows his green credentials
The YES YES GERALDINE weighed anchor with a nervous Lord Haves at the helm, and set sail for the Ben Nevis Range. It would be good to report that traversing Loch Oich was both dangerous and eventful, but in fact the only hazard the crew faced was sunstroke.Yes it`s true,Scotland really can be hot.
"Pass the sun cream toff". Lord Haves threw a bottle of lotion to the irreverent Drummer Dave, who had stripped to his string vest and pants and was lying on the focsle.He`d clearly excessed in the eighties (and by all appearances, in the nineties as well), but was now insisting he`d never felt so nubile.
"What`s those lumps ahead" he murmered, after two hours of steady sailing.
"Those lumps, dear boy, are the Nevis Range", replied the Skip, authoritatively
"More like his man-breasts" whispered Lord Haves, who had little course to boast in this respect.
"Four and a half thousand feet of wonderful Scottish Granite."
The crew blanched. They were still exhausted from their previous exertions, and feared that the Skipper had ignoble plans to scale the beast.
"Erm....I`m still involved with a Sudoku puzzle" said Drummer Dave, "may take a while"
"Can I help?", said Lord Haves.
"Ooh, I`ve got a tickle on my chest" said Ships Magnate Ash.
Skipper Nick understood the signs only too well.
"No you woosies, what it means is we`ve nearly reached our objective"
The crew exchanged puzzled glances.
"We`ve almost crossed Scotland by boat"
The Ben Nevis Range begins to appear.
"Who shrunk the loch?"
And so it was, with a song in their heart, and without really knowing how (or even why)that the Fearless Four sailed on through the Oich, under the Laggan Swing Bridge and onto their mooring at Laggan Locks west of Loch Lochy,and in the very shadow of Ben Nevis. It was an excellent and isolated deep water berthing, with spectacular scenery, stunning and unique fauna and flora.....and more to the point a pub-boat called `The Eagle`, moored directly opposite. Oh what delight.
Six hours later, and with the moon rising, two of the crew were lying exhausted at the base of Meall a Choire Ghlais,following an eight mile circuitous trek around the 3,000 footer. Below them in the gloom, lay the tantalising speck of `The Eagle`, and the glorious Loch Lochy, stretching away to the south-west.
SAS commander spotted in front of Meall a Choire Ghlais.
Loch Lochy, viwed from Meall a Choire Ghlais.
"I reckon this is the best way down Skip" said Magnate Ash,just able to raise breath and still resolutely clutching at the map. Lord Haves was asleep in the gorse and ling, dreaming of Portuguese beaches and an improving stock market.
"OK, lets do it", said Skipper Nick, who wasn`t even sweating."I`ll lead on and reccy, but remember,let`s keep together"
Now Kilfinnan Burn drops 2,000 feet in just over a mile, and is densely wooded.But it was a straight route down from the hill,and the quickest way of getting back to the boat and the gourmet meal being prepared there by Drummer Dave.
"Nick.....Nick...oh Ni-ick", shouted the desperate twoesome.
There was no answer.
"He`s got to be down there somewhere" said Lord Haves, as he grovelled on all fours across another precipitous ledge, more than distracted by the raging torrent 30 metres below.
"Don`t worry" said Magnate Ash, "I`ve got the map".Lord Haves seemed unimpressed.
"Down here you great big girls"
Skipper Nick was hacking away with his bare arms at the undergrowth, and waving his right hand at the two crewmen with what appeared to be Churchillian vigour.
"This is great fun", he shouted, as he disappeared down another water shoot.
"Just stick togeth....eeeeer.." and with a whoosh he was gone, rampaging through more wood and scrub, and removing Scots Pine that unworthy landowners had planted to secrete pathways from the unsuspecting rambler.
Yes, tis true. Scottish footpaths tend not to be clearly shown on O.S maps, and there is a general `right to roam`. Confused though we may have been,we nevertheless found our pathway deliberately `blocked` on more than one ocassion, by pine that had been planted purely to obscure any developing route to a walker. It`s hard to imagine that anyone who`d actually found themselves in one of the remote locations we visited would be anything other than an environmentalist with a passionate interest in maintaining the ecology of the area,so why the need to be so petty? But there you go; irrational obstructionism from those who have more space at their disposal than virtually any other British being, and who should therefore have know better.
"We should stick the buggers in Toxteth and leave `em there" said Skipper Nick,who by now had been re-sighted, building a walkway across the Burn from boulders and dead logs.
"Teach `em a thing or two about sharing, the misearble farts"
Slowly and somewhat methodically, the threesome wove their way down through the burn, stopping periodically to take a bearing, and in Lord Haves`s case to loosen his clothing;
"I get nervous where heights are concerned".
Just when hope appeared lost, the woodland and burn opened out and levelled, and first a muddy track and then a farmers road presented themselves.Before long, they were on the side of Loch Lochy,and walking with increasing vigour back to the boat.
Meall a Choire Ghlais
Kilfinnan Burn;the Lost Valley.
Sitting on the deck of `The Eagle` pub at dusk with a pint in their hands,following a memorable meal from the Punk Drummer`s kitchen collection, the contented quartet considered their achievements.
Bo the German Shepherd takes last orders, at The Eagle Boat-Pub
"You`ve got to be tough you know" said Lord Haves " to do what we`ve done".The others nodded in agreement." Yes, three mighty mountains conquered, eighty miles walked so far, 60 miles sailed in storm-force conditions, cycling till our arses were red raw.....it takes a certain breed of fearless bloke to do that"
His phone rang. It was MP Mike, new safely back with his members in Westminster.
"Yes, great flight thanks. Best of luck on Sunday, bye the way"
"Sunday ?"
"Yes, Sunday, when you get back to port in Inverness"
"Oh thanks Mike"
"Yes, you`ll need it when those girls you put in court bring their family round to see you"
The colour drained from Lord Haves face.
"Didn`t she say her dad owned the kebab shop next to the docks ?" said Drummer Dave, "and doesn`t that mean they might have access to meat cleavers?"
"Oh `eck" said Magnate Ash.
"Er, can`t we leave the boat in Fort William?" said Drummer Dave.
"Nightie nightie girlies, be brave", said Skipper Nick.
But it was with a slight knee-tremble that the party returned across the lock gate to the YES YES GERALDINE, and an uncomfortable night of disturbed sleep. Yes, these blokes truly were fearless.
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