Tuesday 10 th June. CROSS SCOTLAND BY BOAT in aid of MACMILLAN CANCER SUPPORT

This is a blog (sometimes irreverent, but we don`t care) about `The Cross Scotland By Boat` charity challenge, undertaken by five senile delinquents, between June 2nd and June 9th, 2008.

The event HAS RAISED£2,332 for MACMILLAN CANCER SUPPORT.There is still time for further donations too (see below)

Just in case you don`t know about blogs,or you`re old fogeys like us, you need to scroll right down from this page to the first entry on this web-site.. SO.... click on `April 1` on the MENU on the left of this page.... and then read about the adventure in chronological order (eg,then click on Monday 2nd June, and so on)

Otherwise, you`ll just read things back to front (which actually, might make more sense).



`Skipper Nick and Ship Magnate Ash, modelling the Macmillan Cancer Support finery. This was to be a gruelling trip`


Drummer Dave(at the helm) and Skipper Nick smell a pylon


Be great if you dropped us a comment by using the facility on this blog. Please be gentle; we`re sensitive and have a sizeable legal team.

PS. There`s an on-line DONATING BUTTON (called `JUST GIVING`)on the April 1st menu (on the left). If you`ve got any mates you can persuade to make a donation, that would be fabulous.


MP Mike(to the left),and somnolent Skipper Nick ("what a crew, oh what a crew"), appear calm in the competent hands of a serious-looking Lord Haves.Weather conditions;rough.


Nobody said anything about having to climb these though!

Monday 9th June AND FINALLY....

....we`d like to thank those very many kind people who sponsored us as we raised funds for MACMILLAN CANCER SUPPORT.

We never did find out what happened at Inverness Crown Court, but we hope it was no more than a slap on the wrists. Fortunately,the extended families involved never did call.

We did of course spot Nessie, but only Drummer Dave was brave enough to swim with it.

We met mostly beautiful scottish people and the odd midge (grateful thanks to Lord Haves for deflecting them),but struggled to find wildlife.


Wildlife 1: "Don`y yer mess with me, Sonny"


Wildlife 2:The Scottish Bilabong Tree and a seated Skipper Nick

We were involved in a mid-channel near miss caused by a Belgian ocean-going yachtie who was asleep, and should have known better.He received appropriate advice from Skipper Nick which modesty forbids publication here.

We learnt that Green Wigs seem attractive to young women.


Two Japanese Models pose in our Wigs, whilst the Skipper (landside-rear) repels more female invaders.

We did a live radio interview with the wonderful Wolverhampton Community Radio (WCRFM 101.8), half way up a mountainside, and were given magnificent support and plugging by the cult internet phenomenon, Monochrome Museum Internet Radio.

We realised from the spontaneous reactions en route, that so many people`s lives have been touched in one way or another, by the help that they have received from MACMILLAN CANCER SUPPORT.




At peace on Loch Ness

Sunday 8th June. LAST MAN STANDING

The final day and the dawning realisation by the Skipper that even after six days on the water, his crew were far from the hardened professionals he`d been promised.
"Where`s the biscuits?" asked Drummer Dave, trying to do his bit to finish off the supplies.
"Really wobbled last night, you know", groaned Lord Haves, "and those Fenders kept making squeaking noises as well. I found it impossible to sleep."
"Fender?" asked Ships Magnate Ash.
The other three looked at him.
"Isn`t that a guitar?"
The Skipper closed his eyes.
"I think actually you`ll find they`re those rubber sponge thingies we hang over the side when we come into port", said Drummer Dave, attempting once more to sassy up to the Skip, "you know, stops us bashing against stuff".
"Oh them. I thought they were life bouys".

The plan was to sail on the afternoon tide, so one more mountain challenge remained; a ten mile hike up and around Meall na h-Eilrig, to the north of the harbour and the village of Drumnadrochit.
You too might look like this, one day

An early start was called for, and by 10 am, the group had circumnavigated the summit, and were in the tiny crofting hamlet of Achpopuli, trying to assess the best route back.


View over Loch Ness from half way up Meall Na h-Eilrig


It`s a long way down

By luck,one of the two crofters who lived there was working on his holding.
"Morning", said Skipper Nick, "is this the best route to Loch Glanich, and on to Drumnadrochit?". He pointed to his map. The Crofter ignored him.
"Let me have a go" said Lord Haves.
"Morning dear Sir. Could you kindly point out the footpath back to the bay?"
The Crofter looked at Lord Haves, and then turned his back.
"Could have been a burglar", said Drummer Dave, "thought we were the cops"
"Maybe he`s German", suggested Magnate Ash, somehat desperately.
"German my arse" said Skipper Nick, "he`s just ignorant"


A young Marxist on the long march.

The crew left the Crofter to his isolate ways, and passed through a broken gate next to his barn and onto the moorland, following what they assumed to be the footpath.
"Funny bloke", said Drummer Dave.
"Yeah, deliberately unhelpful if you ask me", said Skipper Nick.
"Doesn`t want us on the moor".
Within fifty metres the Skippers analysis was borne out. Yet again, freshly planted conifer saplings were rooted at regular intervals along the poorly delineated path, in a clear attempt to confuse, distract and ultimately, hide the right of way.The message was plain and clear. You`re not welcome here.
"Cor, I`m really enjoying this", said Drummer Dave, ignoring the signals, as he bounced and rolled his way through the heather and on toward the Loch.
"Listen, it`s a cuckoo" he trilled.
"Yeah, and it`s speaking right now", said Lord Haves.


Two men,alone and lost

Onwards and past the eventually located Loch pressed the crew, although the walk and climb had taken longer than expected.A rapid descent was called for if they were to catch the afternoon tide, and so they stumbled into a mazy, old-man jog. It was downhill all the way.

INFORMATION

The crew followed The Great Glen Way around Urquhart Bay and then north-eastwards up through dense coniferous woodland to Corryfoyness, a hamlet at the foot of Meall na h-Eilrig. They then cut north-westwards to the crofts at Achpopuli, before returning south, past the upland Loch Glanadh, and down through Actuie and Lower Drumbuie, back to the boat. A distance of 10 miles, and 3,000 foot of ascent and descent.


Once on board and with engines fired to maximum, they spurted from the harbour and out for the last time onto Loch Ness, heading north-east for their final destination-Inverness Docks.
"Perhaps we should berth out in the loch tonight" said Lord Haves,still nervous at the prospect of a visit from the extended family of the court-bound girls.
"No, they`ll have learnt their lesson", said Drummer Dave,"and anyway, who`d mess with me?".He had a point.

There was a certain irony as the final few miles of splendid sailing isolation were disturbed by the muted wailing sounds coming from `Rock Ness`, a 35,000 audience Festival on fields just outside the tiny village of Dores, in the north-east corner of the Loch.Razorlight were top of the bill, and were thrashing through `Stumble And Fall` when Lord Haves piped up, betraying a radical former-life;
"I much prefer Tom Paxton and Julie Felix"
"Did you know that I played with Judas Priest ?", said Drummer Dave.
"Filthy so and so", replied Skipper Nick, " Go wash your mouth out".
"Scottish ceilidh album anyone?", inquired Ship Magnate Ash, hoping to find some middle-ground.
And so it was that later that evening and with all speakers blazing to the `Flower Of Scotland` that the YES YES GERALDINE pulled up triumphantly to her berth in Inverness, job done.


Lord Haves, weakened by scurvy and a diet of kelp, ties his last knot.

Following a morale-boosting visit to The Clacknharry Inn, and a stunning Moray Firth sunset, the crew dragged themselves back to their vessel, now resting serenely next to the welcome toilet and shower block.Ships Magnate Ash was the first to fall asleep.
"Skip, skip, these knots; I can`t get `em loose" he muttered in an unconscious blather.
In the galley, two of the crew were busying themselves.
"Want me to pack your bags for the airport?" shouted Drummer Dave, still trying to ingratiate himself with the ships number one.
"Now when I was a Postman in Stoke....." said Lord Haves, to no-one in particular.
Skipper Nick closed his cabin door, and turned out the light.
"What a crew", he thought to himself, "oh what a crew"

Saturday 7th June. FOUR BIRDS,TWO KEEPERS AND A WEDDING

Glorious skies greeted the crew as they arose from a troubled night. Skipper Nick was first up and off to the shower block.


The YES YES GERALDINE In her deep water berthing at Laggan Locks

Now it should be made clear to those with a romantic view of the water, that any `on-shore facility`, such as a toilet, shower, electric or water hitch-up takes on a significant importance to the crew,after time spent on the waves. And none so more than the toilet, if only for the aroma benefit it offers to all those otherwise cornered on the boat. So you can imagine the discomforture this particular morning, as Skipper Nick returned unsatisfied to the vessel.
"He wouldn`t let me on the `John`. I can hardly believe it. Said I owed him for the electric"
Sure enough in the near distance and wandering towards the boat was a middle-aged man in a blue uniform, with a blue engine-drivers peaked cap and a notebook.
"It`s Postman Pat" said Drummer Dave.
"More like Captain Mannering", replied the Skip.
"We`ve always paid for the electric we`ve hooked to on-shore I mean, I wouldn`t mind if it was clearly stated, but it aint; plus more to to the point, I`ve got terrible wind"
"Morning", said Lord Haves cheerfully to the blue-uniformed man. There was no reply.He was on a mission and wouldn`t be distracted. He whipped out a receipt book and proceeded to scribble in it. He then checked a reading on the shore meter, and wrote down some more detail. Finally , after a few minutes of further analysis and cogitation, he tore of the receipt and handed it to Nick.
"That`ll be £2.50" he said triumphantly.
Nick slapped the money in the man`s hand.
"That`ll allow you in the shower block now" he said, and with that he turned to go,and meandered back to his lockmasters hut,job done.And of course, it was fair enough. The YES YES GERALDINE had been `nicked`. The Skipper made a dash for the latrines.
"£2.50. £2 bloody 50 for a crap " he shouted, as he disappeared inside. It was some time before he was to emerge.
"Thought I`d make sure I got my my money`s worth" he said.



By lunch-time we`d reached Fort Augustus, as we began our journey back at full-steam to Inverness. All the way along our route we`d been told that there was a wedding boat on its way, and we`d have to wait when it came to the infamous lock passage.
"Great opportunity" said Lord Haves, a former marketing spiv with 3M.
"We sneak in just ahead of the Wedding Boat,and we`ll have the tourists eating out of our hands, donating into our collecting buckets."

Just then Drummer Dave errupted.
"Eagles at two O`clock chaps, Eagles at two O`clock". Now there was a more sensitive side to the punk musician than he would sometimes like to admit to, and the excitement of seeing his first Golden Eagles in the wild was too much to contain.
"OK, so I`m a twitcher. Want to make something of it?" He waved his drumstick toward the crew.Ships Magnate Ash who had a similar but even more innacurate ornithological leaning was also keen to impress.
"And what`s that behind them, looks like a couple of Bustards"
"Please. Keep your prejudices to yourself", said Lord Haves, who`d assumed Ash was referring to the bride and her mother on the fast-approaching wedding boat.
"No no....over there above the hill"
"Ooh bless me Vicar, what a pair of beauties, what a pair of beau....ties". Drummer Dave was struggling to contain his excitement, as two Ospreys glided effortlessly upwards on the thermals, half a mile or so away.
"Quick Skip, let`s get the boat round for a closer look"
To say that there was little chance of that was an understatement, and anyway, the need to position the YES YES GERALDINE ahead of the speeding marital tug-boat was playing heavily on the Skippers mind.
"Through yers comes then, my laddies, and quick as yer can", said the friendly lock man on the first of the five gates in the town.


The Wedding Boat


The Bridesmaids (in maroon) standing shore-side outside The Bothy

With green wigs and tee shirts in place, and the MACMILLAN CANCER SUPPORT bunting fluttering proudly in the light wind, the vessels descent of the Fort Augustus lock staircase brought an enthusiastic and passionate response from the tourists and locals who`d once more turned out in their hundreds.
"Hey Sonnie`s, can`t you`s bugger off out the way, we`s here te see the Wedding Boot", said a rather large man in an impressive kilt.
"Get oot the watta, ye Sassenach nancies", said his friend.
"Why are the bridesmaids wearing green wigs daddy?", asked a young boy of his father.
"It seems to be going pretty well so far chaps", said Lord Haves, instigator of the poaching scheme and ever the optimist.
"Never listen to a marketing man", hissed Drummer Dave, now pulling on the rope and dragging the boat through lock 3, whilst being hit on the leg by a grandmother with a walking stick.
"Keep her in astern", shouted Skipper Nick, mind focussed on the real job in hand.
"Sod the stern", thought Magnate Ash.


"Give me yor money or I`ll set that lot on you". Lord Haves gets serious.


"Hello Sailor". Skipper Nick gets frisky with a rope (watch the stern Nick, watch the stern !)

"All in a good cause, though" said Lord Haves to a scottish beard, standing with the kilted ones and clearly oblivious to his personal safety.He rattled his bucket, and the man tossed in a coin. Then, one by one, so did all the other kilts.
"Och, this is better fun than the wee weddin boot anyhows", said the beard.
The queue in the chip shop, who`d been studying the scene, whipped up a tenner, and a man from Toronto slipped in a £20 note.The generosity and good humour of the watching crowd, was both touching and humbling.
"You see", said Lord Haves, as the boat tied up at the temporary berth below the lochs to take on provisions, "I told you we should get in just ahead of the wedding boat"
Drummer Dave scowled.
"Perhaps I`ll go and buy some cheese crackers", said Lord Haves.
"Perhaps you should", said Skipper Nick.

WEDDING NOTE

True to form the crew of four men aboard took relatively little interest in the wedding party itself, apart from the odd curious glance at the bridesmaids, two of whom were having a nervous pre-nuptial fag outside The Bothy Pub.But with awareness of the need to satisfy the undoubted demands of the feminine readership, it can be stated with some certainty that the bride was wearing a white,La Marouche designer yoke-throated dress,with a Sans-Doux cream cape and petite Angus bouquet.The bridesmaids were adorned in maroon one-piece,chest-cut gowns,the very hallmark of the young Marco Gourmais at La Marouche.


The Bride and her mother, about to be boarded.

Her spouse was attired in his clans traditional tartan,proudly displaying kilt, sporran and (itchy) socks.He looked more than a match for any wee lowlander, so we kept our distance.The wedding boat had lots of pretty flags,there was much breathless bag-piping, and it all looked rather lovely.



Later that day, the YES YES GERALDINE set off across the south-west corner of Loch Ness, heading once more toward Urquhart Bay, for an overnight berth.Reflecting on the days adventures`s, the crew were unanimous in their praise of `Derek The Lock Keeper`, guardian of the system at Cullochy Locks. Now once in a while you meet someone for just a brief moment, and know in an instant that they`re just really good company. Derek was such a man.


`Derek The Lock Keeper` at Cullochy Locks

"Come on boys" he`d said as we tentatively sidled up in our precious vessel, "imagine she`s a fine woman".
Day in, day out, Derek has the job of guiding gringo`s in boats (like ourselves) through his lock without damage to them,their boats, the lock gates or the canal walls.He also has to communicate with hundreds of illiterate mariners throughout the season and still retain a sunny disposition. No mean feat.
"Careful Derek", Lord Haves had said, pointing to a white van approaching shore-side.
"It`s management"
"Who`s them" replied Derek,"we don`t do management in these parts"
"Ah come on Derek, I bet you`ve been on a course about spreadsheets", said Magnate Ash.
"What`s all that ?", said Derek, genuinely bemused.
"Computers...you know, to help you keep your lists and so on"
"Oh no, I don`t think that`ll be so. I use a biro and notepad. Always `ave, always will. They can do what they`s wants, that they can, but I`ll be long gone before I touch a computer, so I shall boys"
"Long hours Derek?" inquired Skipper Nick.
"Long as you make `em", replied Derek.
"Bet you get a rush here in the summer" said Drummer Dave.
"Aboot once every seven years", said Derek."They`re always busy but we doo`nt rush"
"Bet you`re a man for the rules, heh Derek", said Lord Haves smiling, "always following orders"
"Well boys, as they say, there`s many a slip twixt cup and lip"
If only the rest of us could think that way.Derek proved to be a font of information, and the kindliest of all the navigation workers we met.It would have been great to have spent more time in his company. He was a witty and courteous man, and an excellent representative of his profession. Derek The Lock Keeper, we salute you sir!

Friday 6th June GOODBYE MIKE, HELLO BIG BEN

It was with a heavy heart that the crew gathered on the poop to whistle off MP Mike. The hopes of a full weeks endeavours with his cross-party crew had been ruined by a call to vote from a chastened Tory Whip.
"Bloody Environment Bill", he muttered, as he climbed into the 4x4 People Carrier Taxi sent from Inverness to retrieve him.Within 4 hours he would be back in London, courtesy of the Tory Business Jet stationed at Inverness Airport, and engrossed in the finer points of carbon emission.


MP Mike shows his green credentials

The YES YES GERALDINE weighed anchor with a nervous Lord Haves at the helm, and set sail for the Ben Nevis Range. It would be good to report that traversing Loch Oich was both dangerous and eventful, but in fact the only hazard the crew faced was sunstroke.Yes it`s true,Scotland really can be hot.
"Pass the sun cream toff". Lord Haves threw a bottle of lotion to the irreverent Drummer Dave, who had stripped to his string vest and pants and was lying on the focsle.He`d clearly excessed in the eighties (and by all appearances, in the nineties as well), but was now insisting he`d never felt so nubile.
"What`s those lumps ahead" he murmered, after two hours of steady sailing.
"Those lumps, dear boy, are the Nevis Range", replied the Skip, authoritatively
"More like his man-breasts" whispered Lord Haves, who had little course to boast in this respect.
"Four and a half thousand feet of wonderful Scottish Granite."
The crew blanched. They were still exhausted from their previous exertions, and feared that the Skipper had ignoble plans to scale the beast.
"Erm....I`m still involved with a Sudoku puzzle" said Drummer Dave, "may take a while"
"Can I help?", said Lord Haves.
"Ooh, I`ve got a tickle on my chest" said Ships Magnate Ash.
Skipper Nick understood the signs only too well.
"No you woosies, what it means is we`ve nearly reached our objective"
The crew exchanged puzzled glances.
"We`ve almost crossed Scotland by boat"


The Ben Nevis Range begins to appear.


"Who shrunk the loch?"

And so it was, with a song in their heart, and without really knowing how (or even why)that the Fearless Four sailed on through the Oich, under the Laggan Swing Bridge and onto their mooring at Laggan Locks west of Loch Lochy,and in the very shadow of Ben Nevis. It was an excellent and isolated deep water berthing, with spectacular scenery, stunning and unique fauna and flora.....and more to the point a pub-boat called `The Eagle`, moored directly opposite. Oh what delight.


Six hours later, and with the moon rising, two of the crew were lying exhausted at the base of Meall a Choire Ghlais,following an eight mile circuitous trek around the 3,000 footer. Below them in the gloom, lay the tantalising speck of `The Eagle`, and the glorious Loch Lochy, stretching away to the south-west.


SAS commander spotted in front of Meall a Choire Ghlais.


Loch Lochy, viwed from Meall a Choire Ghlais.

"I reckon this is the best way down Skip" said Magnate Ash,just able to raise breath and still resolutely clutching at the map. Lord Haves was asleep in the gorse and ling, dreaming of Portuguese beaches and an improving stock market.
"OK, lets do it", said Skipper Nick, who wasn`t even sweating."I`ll lead on and reccy, but remember,let`s keep together"

Now Kilfinnan Burn drops 2,000 feet in just over a mile, and is densely wooded.But it was a straight route down from the hill,and the quickest way of getting back to the boat and the gourmet meal being prepared there by Drummer Dave.
"Nick.....Nick...oh Ni-ick", shouted the desperate twoesome.
There was no answer.
"He`s got to be down there somewhere" said Lord Haves, as he grovelled on all fours across another precipitous ledge, more than distracted by the raging torrent 30 metres below.
"Don`t worry" said Magnate Ash, "I`ve got the map".Lord Haves seemed unimpressed.
"Down here you great big girls"
Skipper Nick was hacking away with his bare arms at the undergrowth, and waving his right hand at the two crewmen with what appeared to be Churchillian vigour.
"This is great fun", he shouted, as he disappeared down another water shoot.
"Just stick togeth....eeeeer.." and with a whoosh he was gone, rampaging through more wood and scrub, and removing Scots Pine that unworthy landowners had planted to secrete pathways from the unsuspecting rambler.

Yes, tis true. Scottish footpaths tend not to be clearly shown on O.S maps, and there is a general `right to roam`. Confused though we may have been,we nevertheless found our pathway deliberately `blocked` on more than one ocassion, by pine that had been planted purely to obscure any developing route to a walker. It`s hard to imagine that anyone who`d actually found themselves in one of the remote locations we visited would be anything other than an environmentalist with a passionate interest in maintaining the ecology of the area,so why the need to be so petty? But there you go; irrational obstructionism from those who have more space at their disposal than virtually any other British being, and who should therefore have know better.
"We should stick the buggers in Toxteth and leave `em there" said Skipper Nick,who by now had been re-sighted, building a walkway across the Burn from boulders and dead logs.
"Teach `em a thing or two about sharing, the misearble farts"

Slowly and somewhat methodically, the threesome wove their way down through the burn, stopping periodically to take a bearing, and in Lord Haves`s case to loosen his clothing;
"I get nervous where heights are concerned".
Just when hope appeared lost, the woodland and burn opened out and levelled, and first a muddy track and then a farmers road presented themselves.Before long, they were on the side of Loch Lochy,and walking with increasing vigour back to the boat.


Meall a Choire Ghlais


Kilfinnan Burn;the Lost Valley.

Sitting on the deck of `The Eagle` pub at dusk with a pint in their hands,following a memorable meal from the Punk Drummer`s kitchen collection, the contented quartet considered their achievements.


Bo the German Shepherd takes last orders, at The Eagle Boat-Pub

"You`ve got to be tough you know" said Lord Haves " to do what we`ve done".The others nodded in agreement." Yes, three mighty mountains conquered, eighty miles walked so far, 60 miles sailed in storm-force conditions, cycling till our arses were red raw.....it takes a certain breed of fearless bloke to do that"
His phone rang. It was MP Mike, new safely back with his members in Westminster.
"Yes, great flight thanks. Best of luck on Sunday, bye the way"
"Sunday ?"
"Yes, Sunday, when you get back to port in Inverness"
"Oh thanks Mike"
"Yes, you`ll need it when those girls you put in court bring their family round to see you"
The colour drained from Lord Haves face.
"Didn`t she say her dad owned the kebab shop next to the docks ?" said Drummer Dave, "and doesn`t that mean they might have access to meat cleavers?"
"Oh `eck" said Magnate Ash.
"Er, can`t we leave the boat in Fort William?" said Drummer Dave.
"Nightie nightie girlies, be brave", said Skipper Nick.
But it was with a slight knee-tremble that the party returned across the lock gate to the YES YES GERALDINE, and an uncomfortable night of disturbed sleep. Yes, these blokes truly were fearless.

Thursday 5th June. CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN

Clear blue skies and a high sun made for a glorious start to the day. MP Mike has risen early to snorkel for crab, and the crew joined him for a wonderful sea-food breakfast and canapes, subtly prepared by the Daily Mail favourite.


Members of the crew take on-board an early morning Pimms.

Two teams then formed to attack the physical challenges required by the sponsorship. Lord Haves,Drummer Dave and Skipper Nick were to be the walking party, and Ships Magnate Ash and MP Mike agreed to the cycling and orienteering task.

"It`s only a short hop" the walkers agreed. Things of course look so straight forward on a map, although even to the untrained eye there did seem to be a lot of brown contour lines across their chosen route.
"Back at three", said Lord Haves, optimistically.
Suffice it to say, things didn`t turn out quite as expected.
"There was a ruddy great big Dam there", said Drummer Dave upon his return at midnight.
"Appeared from out of nowhere.How old did you say the map was ?"
"And we got shot at by the gamekeeper" said Lord Haves.
"I told him I was at Eton with his master but he just seemed to get even more agitated"
"Wooftas", hissed Skipper Nick.
"I was just warming up, but would they climb another mountain? Would they heck"



"They`re up there somewhere". Mullach a Ghlinne and the terrain covered by the walkers.


"Hope they`d got their snow-gear"


In fact the intrepid threesome had covered almost 20 miles across some of Scotlands more rugged terrain, ascending and descending the equivalent of 8000 feet; a quite remarkable feat for such uninformed ancients.OK, so Skipper Nick had been forced to carry his two companions under his arms for the last few hundred yards, but this should not detract from their courage and endeavour.
"Never again" said Lord Haves, summoning up the last reserves of energy before slipping under his bunk.
"Ooh, I couldn`t even pluck a daisy" whispered Drummer Dave, as he supped Bovril from a Tommy Tippee cup.

INFORMATION

The route they followed was to the east and south-east of Fort Augustus. They climbed and circumnavigated Carn na Saobhaidhe, Carn Chuilinn and the Glendoe Forest,
Mullach a Ghlinne and the Aberchalder Forest, completeing a circular walk back to the YES YES GERALDINE via the Great Glen Way.

Now you might think that the two cyclists had much the easier option, and that of course would have been true but for one key factor; Ships Magnate Ash insisted on map reading.

"Well it starts with Inver. Don`t worry, it`s around here somewhere".
MP Mike was becoming a little agitated with the Magnate`s ramblings. He`d already been led two thirds of the way back to Inverness, and had even traversed the Inverwick Forest in the mistaken belief that they were on their way to Invergarry, the proposed destination on Loch Oich. He was also more than aware of the hundreds of other `Invers` within the vicinity,and the awful possibilities they offered.But even more pressing, his buttocks were sore.
"Look Ash, I think it`s time I took the lead"
And with that he was off, with the Magnate trailing in his wake.One hour later, and deep off-track in a wooded ravine, they sat exhausted at a river crossing.
"We`re doomed" said MP Mike.
"I haven`t felt like this since Black Wednesday"
Just then a rather large Red Deer broke cover, ran across the water and up through the woods oppopsite,to the south-east.
"Let`s follow" said Ships Magnate Ash. MP Mike gave him a tired look.
"No, I read it in `Ray Mears Jungle Survival`. Follow the deer tracks, as they always lead out to the light"
Within ten minutes the pair were in an opening and in sight of a farm. Within twenty they were on a metalled road.
"Oh I love you Deer, Oh I do love you Deer" sang MP Mike.
A passing pedestrian blushed and quickened his step.


MP Mike deep in the woods(not for the first time).


Gorse in full bloom


The Colossus of Roads.Ships Magnate Ash straddles The Bridge Of Oich

INFORMATION

The dynamic duo actually rode and carried their bikes for 18 miles across terrain to the west and south-west of Fort Augustus. They circumnavigated the Inchnacardoch Forest and Auchteraw Woods, crossing the Auchteraw Burn whilst in spate. They climbed Lon Mor, rested up at the Bridge Of Oich, and returned to the YES YES GERALDINE via The Great Glen Way (well ahead of the walkers !)

END NOTE

The crew were at rest when the call came in.
"Hello, is that Ash James"
"Er, yes"
"Hello Sir, it`s Inverness Police here, Inspector Casey Rigg, CID."
Hell, was this to do with trespass by Lord Haves ?
"Just like to thank you Sir, for reporting those young women you found on your boat the other night"
"Oh, er, right,....that`s absolutely fine, no trouble at all"
"Yes Sir, they`re in court next Monday at Noon"
What ? In Court? Everyone was amazed. Their `offence` wouldn`t even merit a Police attendance at the scene, south of the border.
"Yes Sir, admitted everything. Probably get bound over and a fine.Thanks again"
There was a moments stunned silence, and then MP Mike spoke.
"You lucky boys; guess where you`ll be docking on Sunday night". He started to smile.Mike was leaving the boat next day, and of course everyone knew we`d be back in port in Invernes by Sunday.
"Bet they`ve got some big so and so`s in their famililies. Expect they`ll pay you a visit"

Wednesday 4th June. CHARLES ATLAS AND THE FORT AUGUSTUS FIVE

The Yes Yes Geraldine at rest in Urquhart Bay.

Fresh out of bed at 5 am the crew gathered on the poop for a briefing from the skipper.
"Look chaps, you`re all crap"
"Thanks Skip".Drummer Dave had clearly misheard.
"Now to-days a big day. We head for Fort Augustus, home of ..."
"Davy Crocket?".
The Skipper gave MP Mike a withering stare.
"...the five Locks....five big, awkward, complex, dangerous, physically challenging sea-locks"
Lord Haves went an even deeper shade of yellow.
"We`re going to have to pull"
"But I`m already spoken for Skip"
Drummer Dave had not been paying attention.
"No you landlubber....pull the boat, with ropes, throught the lock system....so I want it done professional and seamen -like"
At that point Ships Magnate Ash emerged secretively from below, having sneaked a shower from underneath the ships washbasin.
"Ah;It`s Gollum" screamed Drummer Dave. He ran for the camera, and Gollum ran for clothing.


Urquhart Castle (the pile of bricks) viewed from the boat.


MP Mike (left) and Lord Haves(dark glasses)share a touchy-feely moment.

The YES YES GERALDINE headed tentatively out of the harbour, and then increased speed following a bearing of 220 degrees. As she passed the headland and just off Urquart Castle,strange yet regular semi-circular markings could be seen behind the boat in the water, back towards the berthing.They were close to the point where the crew had spotted a strange disturbance the previous day, when photographing from the hillside above Urquhart Bay.
"What is it Skip ?" asked Lord Haves.
"Nothing to worry about, it`s probably not natural" replied the Skipper.
"Could it be the monster?", suggested Ash.
Drummer Dave got his brushes out and started to paint furiously.
"It seems to be moving from left to right" suggested Lord Haves.
"Could be New Labour" said MP Mike.
And then, within moments, it was gone, the only trace remaining being a few air bubbles and an unpleasant smell.Fortunately, Drummer Dave recorded what he thought he saw in the magnificent oil work which is presented below. A few grainy photographs of the scene have also been added for scientific scrutiny and general public perusal.


The semi-circular shapes spotted behind the boat (and soon to disappear below water)


What is that in the loch, in the middle foreground, just off the tiny wooded headland. Has Nessy come up for air ?


Suspicious ripples in the Loch, on an otherwise still and calm waters. It`s him !


Drummer Dave`s oil, capturing the view he got when swimming in the Loch

The kind people at MACMILLAN CANCER SUPPORT had provided the crew with green wigs and tee-shirts, and so thus adorned they and the YES YES GERALDINE sailed boldly into Fort Augustus, at the south-west end of Loch Ness. It was lunch time, and word had got around that a bunch of green men with a rather large boat, were going to tackle the locks. Now I don`t know if you`ve ever had the pleasure of a visit to this tiny town,but as coachloads of tourists daily find to their cost, the only thing to do there is to sit by the locks and hope for the best. Generally, a few rowing boats and canoes, crewed by earnest types in scouting gear, or a caravan of a boat with a couple from Essex are as good as it gets.But to-day was to be more special than this. Yes to-day, egged on by the team of lock-keepers determined to make the most of the opportunity, the centre of attraction was to be the crew of the YES YES GERALDINE.


Lord Haves and Magnate Ash discuss why they aren`t attracting donors


The Fort Augustus Five "Prepare for humiliation, all ye who enter here"


"Here`s you, looking at me, looking at you babe"

"Hold the rope, hold the rope".
The Skipper was barking at MP Mike, as he struggled at the stern to avoid being flipped into the water.
"Pull when I say"
"And watch those cleats, I don`t want to lose you now".
"Don`t be so cheeky" shouted a cyclist.
The crowd were warming.
"Ooh, e`s just like Ben Hur", whispered an appreciative young woman. And indeed, to the crew who were manning the ropes all he was lacking was a whip.
"Keep the stern in, don`t let her go" shouted the Skip.
"Keep the stern in, don`t let her go" repeated Drummer Dave, who had by now decided to ingratiate himself with his leader.
"Give us yer money, cockles and muscles" sang Lord Haves, as he shook his collecting bucket in the face of bemused Japanese trippers.
"Ve do not giv to ze poor or to ze beg boys", protested a misguided Austrian biker.
At the bow of the boat and pulling with all his might was Ash, the physically challenged shipping magnate.
"They`ve got bloody Charles Atlas at the front" said one of the Lock Keepers
"Mush, Mush" shouted the drunks on a smaller boat, entering further into the spirit.
"Are you English", asked a granny from Largs.
"Cos ye pinched my sheep in the 17th century"
"Heh dude, wot is it with the green hair man?" He must have been Dutch.
"I`ve smoked grass , but I`ve never grown it on my head man"
"One more gate and we`re done", the Skipper intoned, now sitting confidently with his feet ajar the wheel.
"One more gate and we`re done", repeated his new best friend.
"Will yer nae, come back agin" The crowd were now singing their encouragement.
"Whose been eating all the pies?" Lord Haves and Drummer Dave looked at each other.
At last, the final lock was breached, and the job done.
"Heh boys, would yer like te do that again now ?"
And indeed, the Lock Team had enjoyed the event so much, that they would happily have offered assisted passage for a repeat performance, for the edification and amusement of the coach parties now gathered.
"No thanks" said the Skipper.
"Got to get these wimps to their berth for the night. Need to attend to their make-up".


Drummer Dave gets that sinking feeling


Skipper Nick and Lord Haves adorned in their Macmillan Tee Shirts, spot that the`re not the only `Big Fish` in Fort Augustus.

So with great relief, the boat sailed-its crew undamaged, to a berthing above Fort Augustus.Wounded pride was assuaged by the generosity of donors at the locks, and the many fine stories freely told of the outstanding work of Macmillan Nurses. Clearly, so many people even here in Fort Augustus were touched by their support, as were we by the so many well-wishers who cheered us on .

Tuesday 3rd June. MONSTER BASH ON LOCH NESS

"Ooh, is my hair alright in this wind ?"

"Cast off at the stern"
MP Mike and Drummer Dave looked bemused.
"The ropes you idiots, cast them off"
They bent down towards the mooring cleat in mutually supportive ignorance.
"But skipper, they`re all knotted".
"They`re meant to be you woozies. Undo the hitch knot"
The pair struggled cosmetically for a moment, pulling and then stroking the ropes and clearly at sea.
"Ahhhhh!"
Skipper Nick bounded from the helm.He pulled at the starboard rope and wound it in with an effortless ease. Holding this between his teeth he proceeded to do the same with the port-side rope, whilst keeping the boat on a steady course with his extended leg.
"Cooee,what about me?"
In the rush to leave port on the rising tide, Lord Haves had been left shore-side having absent-mindedly engaged a passing fisherman in a conversation about bait.
And so began the great adventure; to walk, cycle and boat across Scotland and back, in aid of Macmillan Cancer Support. One experienced seaman, and four delinquent urbanites, all of whom should have known better.




Loch Ness ahead, and a welcoming bucket of Scottish air-water.


The main man at the helm

With abuse still ringing in their ears from the swing bridge operator at Tomnahurich
"You`ll have te be quicker than that gettin throo, yer chumps"
the crew passed on into the short expanse of Loch Dochfour, and then, within the hour into the big one itself-Loch Ness.There was a decent headwind buffeting the helm and the Macmillan Banners on either side of the boat,some white water, and even the odd squall of heavy rain.The skies were gloomy and even though the steady drum of the YES YES GERALDINE`S volvo engine echoed that of the `African Queen`, this was clearly no tropical paradise.

Yet it was hard not to be impressed with the magnificence of the scenery.Sheer valley sides rose from the loch shores, occasionally wooded,pitted with extensive scree, and topped with gorse, darkened heather and exposed coarse grassland. Above this, in the fading heights that surrounded, stood craggy glacial ridges and exposed bedrock,reaching some 1500 to 2,0000 feet.Most remarkable of all though was the overall shape of this feature in which we were the merest insignificant spot. It was so straight that even Roman road-builders would have been impressed.In better weather we would be able to see its full 10 mile length. Over 2 miles wide in parts, and deeper than the North Sea,this was definitely not the place and time to come face to face with `Nessie`;that would have to wait.


Lord Haves urgently applies himself to an assessment of berthing options at Urquhart Bay

After a two hour slog, the weather abated in time for berthing at the beautiful Urquhart Bay. With renewed and over-enthusiastic incompetence, the crew tied up alongside the distinctive search vessel,`Nessy Hunter`, and prepared for their first walking task; to navigate across the wetland nature reserve at Drumnadrochit, south of the bay, and on and up to Urquhart Castle,one of Scotlands most famous landmarks. Shipping magnate Ash James, a former associate fellow of the Geographical Society and a jobbing adventurer, took the lead. Three hours later and clearly lost, the group emerged from dense woodland close to the spot where they had entered, and sensibly decided to follow the A82 to the Castle entrance.Drummer Dave even tried to thumb a lift.

The undoubted historic delights of the Castle were by now far outweighed by the urgent need to use the wonderful `relief` facilities available there. Whilst the pleasant introductory film show was most informative about the pillage of the area and destruction of the building (it was the English wot did it !) time would not allow for too long a stay, and the group were soon out and back on the road to Drumnadrochit.


Urquhart Castle; 5 Star toilets and cafe.


Drummer Dave and MP Mike emerging from the slog across Urquhart Bay`s wooded nature reserve.

The tiny village is at the heart of the Nessie legend, with two Loch Ness visitor centres and over 30,000 visitors a year. In the 1930`s the owner of The Loch Ness Hotel claimed to have seen a monster out in the Bay, and since then there has been an amazing and completely coincidental rise in visitors to the area from across the world. Having failed to gain entrance to a `Shinty` training session, the crew re-grouped to discuss tactics at The Fiddlers Pub.


Blackpool comes to Drumnadrochit.


Shinty ground, home of legalised brutality with sticks.

"Hell, you look beat guys"
It was Richard, an incredibly fit-looking 79 year old from Cleveland, Ohio. He joined for some medication, whilst waiting for his bus to Inverness.
"What number is it;we`ll keep an eye out" said MP Mike.
"No idea bud, but I know it`s blue. Jeez, is that it...?"
A large removal van shot past.
"Only jokin guys"
In no time we learnt that he`d travelled the world, largely on his own, since retirement,and that he liked Barak Obama but couldn`t vote for him for reasons best left to the imagination. Usefully, he also told us how close you should let a potential Korean Communist approach before you shot him.
"In Korea, you didn`t know your friend from your enemy"
Shades of Iraq, half a century later.


Richard from Cleveland, Ohio, surrounded by crewmen from the Yes Yes Geraldine.

Richard was a real character, with views that were perhaps uncomfortable to some at times.Yet here he was, approaching his eigth decade, in the middle of nowhere, still expanding upon his horizons, full of bon-hommie and advice.
"You know guys, I lost my wife fifteen years ago from Cancer (we`d told him of the charity). I tell you,you can`t replace that. Enjoy life to the full, and share it with someone else. Try not to be alone"
And then with regrets we were off, better for the meeting, leaving him alone with himself oncemore.